


Is that a Lightsaber in Your Pants…Please Tell Me I’m Hallucinating

by JinxedAmbitions



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, Hux is So Done, Ill-Advised Tattoo, Kylo's penis makes an appearance, M/M, Musician Kylo, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-07-19 11:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7359244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JinxedAmbitions/pseuds/JinxedAmbitions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux has had a long and exhausting business trip, and he just wants to come home and sleep.  He doesn't want to deal with Kylo's eccentricities, but Hux doesn't always get what he wants. Living with Kylo is an experience full of surprises, but Hux deals with them surprisingly well...most of the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is that a Lightsaber in Your Pants…Please Tell Me I’m Hallucinating

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little cracky fic to welcome in the weekend.

Hux had been away on business for just over a week.  He was exhausted from sleepless nights of going over his notes and working on getting the best deal possible for his company. 

He just wanted to come home after a too long flight with not one but two screaming children drilling into his brain in stereo.  He wanted to crawl into his bed and not think about work for the following two days. He wanted Kylo to be a normal human for once and not be up all night banging at his drum set and calling it music. 

Opening the door to the small house he shared with Kylo, he noted immediately that it was quiet. It wasn’t that Kylo couldn’t be quiet, but he tended to be loud especially when Hux wished he wouldn’t be–like when he had an awful migraine induced by two squalled children. It was uncanny.

Toeing off his shoes in the foyer, Hux listened carefully for any sign of his fiancé. He didn’t see him in the den or the open kitchen just beyond it.  He didn’t hear him in the studio–Kylo had assured him that it would be soundproof, but nothing could completely contain Kylo’s thunderous noise.

Hux frowned. Kylo was always home to greet him after a trip. He even cut band rehearsals short to be home for Hux. It was one of the few things Hux could depend on him for.

“Ren?” Hux called as he walked into the hall that led to their bedroom. 

Hux heard a small crash followed by cursing and, even though he knew in his bones that something expensive had just been destroyed, he felt relief surge through him.

“Just a minute, Hux,” Kylo called from their en suite bath.  

Hux rolled his eyes.  Kylo had stopped closing the bathroom door two days after they moved in together. Kylo had burst in to relieve himself countless times while Hux brushed his teeth or styled his hair in the morning. It wasn’t like they had anything to hide from each other. 

Thinking nothing of it, Hux opened the bathroom door which didn’t even have a functional lock.  He froze when he saw Kylo standing in the middle of the large bathroom wearing nothing but a black cut off t-shirt designed to look like Darth Vader’s suit.  

That wasn’t what made Hux freeze though.  No, Hux had asked Ren to marry him knowing very well how obsessed he was with his grandfather’s musical legacy and peculiar fashion sense.

Hux froze because beneath the the cut off, Ren was sporting a full erection covered in one of the red lightsaber condoms he was so fond of.  That wasn’t even the kicker though.

“Please tell me that you did not get the hilt of a lightsaber tattooed on your dick.” Hux articulated every word slowly, trying to will his eyes into seeing something other than what was in front of them.

“It’s not my dick. It’s right above my–”

“Tell me you did not get a lightsaber hilt tattooed right above your dick, Kylo!” Hux shouted, unable to tear his eyes away from the rather fresh ink that started just below Kylo’s belly button and ended at the base of his erection.

“It’s for the new album.”

Hux blinked at him slowly, mind short circuiting and catching fire as he looked at the man he’d thought he wanted to marry. He wondered if he could get his deposit back from the venue if he showed them a picture of this travesty. 

“I…the new album…I…what on earth does you tattooed dick have to do with your album. Are you going to use it for a drumstick?” Hux demanded.

Kylo actually blushed at that, and Hux supposed he should be grateful the man had at least _some_ shame.  If only he’d felt it before he did this.

“No for the album art,” he said it much quieter this time.

“The album art…” Hux squinted at Ren, trying to determine if this was some elaborate hallucination from sleep deprivation and overexposure to screaming children.  Unfortunately, it didn’t seem that way.  “You can’t put your penis on an album cover, Kylo. There are organizations that strictly forbid such things.”

“No, I’d be wearing pants–”

“Thank god for that,” Hux said, throwing his arms up.

“Shut up.  The others are getting them too.  We’re gonna wear these shirts, and you’ll see the tattoos disappearing into our pants,” Kylo explained.

Hux ran his hand over his face.  “Did you get these tattoos together?” Hux asked, prepared to call the other Knights of Ren and curse them out for ruining his fiancé’s perfectly good cock.

Ren turned and looked for his pants, but he clearly hadn’t worn them into the bathroom.  All Hux heard was garbled nonsense in reply.

“What was that?”

Kylo looked at him with wide brown eyes that were so full of emotion.  He looked a little like he had when Hux proposed, tentative like if he said the wrong thing it might all turn into a cruel joke.  Hux’s fists balled.  

“The parlor couldn’t take us all at once…so they’re getting them…” He shrugged in uncertainty.  

Hux turned on his heel and walked out of the bathroom to scream.  He picked the pillow off the floor because Kylo didn’t know how to make the damn bed, and he screamed into it.  

His soon-to-be husband got what was far too close to a cock tattoo for album art that clearly wasn’t going to happen…because his bandmates had an ounce of common sense.

Hux screamed again.

“Hux?” Kylo sounded all watery like he was being torn in half by some internal indecision.  God, Hux would kill to never see Ren cry again. He was not a pretty crier, and Hux didn’t have a tender bone in his body to sooth him with.

Hux stopped screaming and put the pillow down.  He turned to his fiancé and attempted to smile. This wasn’t the worst thing Kylo had done. That had been when he’d gotten too into his music and accidentally shattered the urn full of his grandfather’s ashes.  That had been…messy, and Kylo’s sobs had only made it messier.

This…Hux could deal with it. It wasn’t like Kylo didn’t have other stupid tattoos. He was covered in ill-advised “art.”  Hux would just have to close his eyes while blowing Kylo from now on, and once the hair grew back in he might not even see most of it. He could deal with it.

“Come to bed,” Hux said, feeling his exhaustion hit him like a ton of bricks.

“Hux…”

“It’s fine. Just come to bed. I’m tired, and I would like to sleep,” Hux told him, motioning for Ren to come to him.

“You aren’t mad?” Ren asked, looking down at the pillow still clutched in Hux’s fist.

“Why would I be angry?” Hux asked, wrapping his arm around Kylo’s muscular waist.  At least, ink couldn’t diminish the wonderful muscles Kylo spent so much time cultivating at the gym.

“I sort of got my cock tattooed to look like a lightsaber,” Ren told him sheepishly.

“Of course not, Ren. I just won’t be having sex with you face to face anytime soon,” Hux told him, pushing Ren onto the bed and following him down.

“You don’t like face-to-face sex anyway,” Ren muttered.

“How convenient for both of us,” Hux almost purred, curling up against Ren’s side and pulling the comforter up to cover the bottom half of Ren’s belly.

“You’re still going to marry me?” Ren asked.  It was faint, but Hux could hear the worry beneath his teasing words.

“Don’t be silly, Ren.  The deposit was nonrefundable,” Hux told him, settling in.

“Right.  My mom warned you about that…”

“I can forgive you for the tattoo, Ren, but I will not be so forgiving of you bringing your mother up while in bed with me, now go to sleep.  You will need to rest up for whatever penance I deem necessary for this stunt,” Hux told him, tilting his head up and waiting for Ren to give him a quick kiss.  He didn’t have to wait more than a moment.  Ren kissed him…slowly, drawing it out and with it drawing out Hux’s frustration.  

Hux sighed, resting his head back on Ren’s chest.  

* * *

Two weeks later, Hux stood in the studio watching the band pose for their album photos.  Phasma stood beside him humming to herself.

“So, how did you get them all to go through with it?” she asked him, tapping her perfectly manicured nails on her bicep. 

“What?”

“The tattoos. They were going to leave Ren looking like an idiot,” she said. She’d been doing PR for the band for years, and she’d had to clean up more than a few of their messes.  She just seemed relieved not to have had to clean up this one.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. They were all quite excited to get them,” Hux told her calmly.  

“Bullshit.  This isn’t Ren you’re talking to.  Spill,” she told him.

“I simply explained to them how much it would break Ren’s heart if they didn’t show solidarity with him…and I mentioned what I do to people who break my lover’s heart. They seemed very eager to get their own after that,” Hux said, shrugging.

Phasma smirked at him. “And how are you taking this whole thing?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Nothing’s changed.  He still waves his cock around making lightsaber noises. I knew the man I was marrying before this…incident,” Hux said, clasping his hands behind his back as he watched Kylo laugh and joke with his bandmates. No one needed to know Hux’s company was now investing in research into better tattoo removal.


End file.
